Feelings expressed by Lynda

The Lie

I love you with all my heart and soul,
I still feel your tiny fingers wriggle beneath my own smooth hands.
How I miss you and how I need you.
There is not a day I do not think of you.

You were the most beautiful thing on earth
You were mine and you loved me more than anyone ever has or can.
You were the joy of spring, the pleasure of summer and the comfort of winter.

I held you in my arms and rocked you gently. I wanted to give you the world.
I lived only for you, existed within that dream that is you.
Then, suddenly you are grown and the odour of expensive perfume lingers
Where once there had been a soft milky smell.

You were my dream and nightmare combined
A dream child,
flaxen haired and blue eyed.
Then, too soon,
a beautiful woman adorned with confetti.
But, always we have the memories shared.
Summer days, playing happily on the beach.
Twirling in the living room to your favourite pop song.
Experimenting with make-up and high-heeled shoes.
Chuckling like two sisters when would be suitors arrived on the doorstep for you.

Then, all too soon time passes like fast cars on a busy motorway,
And again I am holding a tiny bundle in my arms.
This bundle is not mine but belongs to me just the same.
So, therefore I continue, I will always be remembered.
I was your mother her grandmother and his great grandmother.
I cannot be forgotten. I am a memory. I am a photo on everyone’s wall.

But of course it is one big lie.
For you did not grow in my womb
But I still smell you and sometimes in my mind I even hold you.
I never bore you or felt you move inside me.
But in my heart you have always existed.

Still, even now, I would sacrifice the rest of my life for one year with you.
You see, without you, I really don’t have a life and never have.

One day, in my life, some unknown force ordained that I would be childless.
I haven’t been, for you have been with me every day and I miss you terribly.
There is so much I want to tell you but most of all I want to say,
I love you and I always will.

 

 

A Broken Life

 

Oh, the dreams, the dreams I clasped to my heart

snatched from me sharply when closed were my eyes.

Oh yes, we know those dreams, the chorus sigh

dreams fragmented and body torn apart.

I am a good failure tis true to say,

shame swirls around me like fog this grey day.

If I could be released to try again,

I would do it right, make good my amends

At school I pass grades with Excellency,

graduate university in style

become glamorous with a high profile,

I ask you chorus can you still see me.

A man I would marry successfully

and slide easily into pregnancy,

then I am older, content and serene,

this is a dream of how it could have been.

Grown up children swelling my contentment,

.my husband lovingly embracing me

Oh I can hear you lament and lament

this is a dream of how it could have been.

How it really is, this nightmare of mine

no children or education for me

I grew up fast full of adversity,

no sun did shine on University.

Now to achieve what was once out of sight,

there in the mirror someone I can like.

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